Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty

A smart dude said that, I just can’t remember who. But that’s how I feel today. I haven’t been very vigilant these past few weeks especially with what I put into my body. I’ve gained a considerable amount of mass for the past two months, from as low as 196lbs; I’m back to 208lbs. I hate it so much right now that I’m continuing the diet update blog series. So voila!

You’re asking the monitor right now, what the freaking hell happened? I can name three things.

1. Food consumption has gone up, including rice and beer. My two worst enemies! After the holiday season there was a lot of meetings and conferences. Heck, I have already scheduled two drinking sessions this week.
2. Another reason is the lack of badminton buddies. Sure we used to play two to three times a week. It was awesome, the pain, sweat and injuries. But now, one has a new restaurant, the other a new boyfriend and the other well, a new life. So I need people to play with!!
3. Depression. You know me, I am weak. First sign of depression I open up the fridge, fire up the stove and consume as much food and alcohol I possibly can. Quoting fat bastard: I eat because I’m depressed. I’m depressed because I eat. Or something to that effect.

I have to attack the problem methodically. Last time, a surprise crash diet worked because my body wasn’t ready for the pain and suffering. Right now, I have to take it slow. I will start the diet by cutting down on alcohol and rice then, a constant barrage of stationary bikes and push ups. I may not be able to smash cock ever again but the past is the past and I have to let that part of me go.

I must move on.

I was tagged by Ade and yes, I still don’t do meme’s well, except for this because it’s been weeks and I haven’t posted anything and I don’t want my fans to think I’m not posting anymore. LOL fans, I know, I made fun of myself there. So off the top of my head, here are the ten things I did during the down time.

1. I cursed the I.ph cat every time I tried to access my blog.

2 Downloaded porn instead. The Bukake girl suggestion by Adam is not a bad idea at all.

3. Jerked off the recently downloaded porn.

4. Fondled with my facebook and got hooked on Mafia Wars. Damn.

5. I tried playing badminton again and I sucked even more.

6. Incredibly grew 10lbs in one week. I’m not kidding.

7. I exceeded my cigarette limit and started coughing blood.

8. I finished the sixth book of Artemis Fowl and I hate the fact that book 7 won’t be out until next year.

9. I watched old and fat women dance and exercise in ATC’s activity area. Shut up.

10. I was passed out drunk in a side walk in pansol half naked in my own vomit.

There it is folks, stuff I did while the blog was down. How about you? What did you do when I.PH was down? Yeah. I am tagging you!

Do you clearly know what happens during Valentines Day? Aside from Restaurants overpricing, motels owners overbooking and condoms breaking; most of the guys and girls out there are stressed out. Their hairs standing on ends not because they’re still contemplating whether to lose their virginity or not, but because  they know all too well that Valentines Day should not only be celebrated with the official partner but it should be celebrated with the sideline as well. Get my drift?

And that is where I come in. My fellow humans, I am now posting the third of a series of entries dedicated to sharing with all of you my knowledge about the taboo topic of CHEATING: The love month edition.

Second rule of cheating: S.M.A.R.T.

Yeah, so it’s a rip off from our usual business practices and one of the most used strategies for goal setting in business reviews but before you judge, hear me out! Planning is of the utmost importance. Without it, executing a double or a triple date during the Valentines Day rush would be like suicide.

SPECIFIC

The basis of goal setting is really just having a goal. What do you want to accomplish? Well aside from having two dates on Valentines Day? It can be classified into five actions: First base, Second Base, Third Base, home run and HHWW. Duh right? If you’ve had two home runs in a day with different targets then stop reading, I have nothing else to teach you. Mix and matching objectives isn’t a bad plan as well. Like you only get to second base with the first date and you swing away for a home run for the second date. Just don’t do it the other way around or you’ll end up with blue balls before the day is over. And if you have blue balls at the end of Valentines, you’ll end up with a P2000 hooker who you thought was a woman but is really a transvestite ready to pounce on their next victim. Also, stop looking at me like that! Ehem, moving on.

MEASURABLE

I’m not talking about your penis dimwit! I’m talking about the expense to ROI ratio. You don’t want to go splurging too much for the woman and only getting a hand job in return right? I mean, my dogs could have licked better right? Umm… Although it will all depend on how much you really like the woman and how much buying power you have at your disposal. Just remember, whatever you give them, you won’t be able to get it back if ever it doesn’t work out. Or, it may come back but in a fast projectile manner towards you so I suggest soft gifts like balloons, flowers, teddy bears and pillows, none of those crystal bowls and steak knives alright?

ATTAINABLE

Let’s not kid ourselves; you’re not God’s gift to women. You’re an unattractive, oily brute and you secrete a musky aroma which the cops use as an ingredient for their pepper spray. It may even be sufficient to say that you have a face only a mother could love. So what do you do? Instead of targeting a ten, why not settle for two fives? Or if you’re ugly and you don’t have any game, why not settle for five twos? The ocean is deep and wide, there are a lot of fishes, and you just have to look for the right one for you. Remember, the secret to happiness is lowered expectations.

REALISTIC

Think of a situation which is realistic and strategize everything from location to gifts to excuses. Yes you want the first date to be in Antipolo while the following date in Tagaytay. That’s just like looking for a hammer and hitting yourself with it. Set the two dates near enough so you have time to travel with out stress afterward the first date, but not too near that there’s a chance for you to meet the other target prematurely. If ever set reservations ahead. Also, bring extra clothes; you don’t want your clothes smelling like a womans perfume right? Especially, your underwear.

TIME BOUND

From all the advices in this long ass dragging blog entry of mine, this maybe the most important one you should always remember. Give at least two hours in between dates for proper logistics and so you can prepare and go neutral. Going back to neutral is the most Zen thing to do. Drop all the emotions from the first date before going to the second date for more effect. Set fool proof time excuses so that you’ll follow allowed time limits. And always remember not to look worried or always on a hurry. Enjoy the moment but do not get carried away.

When you get all of your bases covered, then you’re all set for your double header. No pun intended. Or did I? So just relax and enjoy the moment. Make this your most memorable Valentines Day ever. Also, don’t forget to wear a coat.

So now I’m faced with a dilemma, I have to cut off my right hand and I have to learn to live with my left arm. People will probably say, dude, you’re blessed. You have another arm. Quadriplegics have nothing and you see them live. But I’m thinking, it’s not their choice. I would want to have a choice. I want to write with my right hand because I’m right handed. Also, I have nothing against left handed people, except that they’re weird. But that’s not the issue here. The issue is why can’t I write with my right hand?

A friend told me it’s going to be hard. But I will get used to it. I just hope I would have the drive to learn how to use my other hand. Baby steps for me, I don’t want to rush into things you know.

You know what I need? I need an honest to goodness paradigm shift. Because in reality, we all have to use our left hand one time or the other, it’s just that my time has come. I’ve been delaying this for so long but it is futile. Resistance is futile.

By the way, just so we’re clear, I’m not talking about masturbating.

So recently, McDonald’s and Wendy’s came out with two awesome burgers. Yes, I know there are other awesome burgers out there, but I’m sticking with those two because I’ve been an avid fan of their burgers since I was a kid. Wendy’s Baconator and the McDonald’s Double Quarter Pounder. I will try to break them down and compare the two.

The Baconator

True to its name, the Baconator is the ultimate hamburger Wendy’s has ever launched. It has two 100% beef quarter pound patties and six slices of bacon. Yes, SIX. Now it’s scarier than the name itself huh?

When I had the Baconator a couple of days ago, I said to myself, now this is a burger I am certain it came from Wendy’s. It’s their theme: Fancy burgers. Putting a twist on those hamburgers and making them special and unique.

The Double Quarter Pounder

Take a cheese burger and pump it up with steroids – lots of it! And what do you get, the very massive, very 100% beefy Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese Burger. With their old school and patented pickles, pickle relish and the sesame seed bun, I’d say this is what burgers are supposed to be: Straight up beefy tasting burger.

It’s simple really, get hamburger buns and stuff it with meat. They have bragged about it, billions served. So why change the recipe? It’s tried and tested and I have to say it tastes great.

The Verdict

Just like Iron Man and The Dark Knight, one cannot really compare both flagship burgers.  It’s a matter of perspectives. Do you like to eat bacon? Then go get a Baconator. Do you love the taste of pure 100% beef? Go get the Double Quarter Pounder. I just have one observation I want to share, they both have half a pound of beef but why is the Baconator lighter than the Double Quarter Pounder? Considering the Baconator has six slices of bacon. Meh.

So how about you, what do you prefer?

Funny, how the Mayans predicted the worlds’ end when they weren’t able to predict their end. Also, Nostradamus predicted a nuclear winter in 1997 and until now, all we have is global warming.

But what if, their prophecies were true? What if the world will end on 2012 and given that we’ve accepted that our lives will end in three years, what would comprise your NEW bucket list? Let us scrap all those long term plans and list how you want to live your last three years on Earth.  Mine are as follows:

STOP DIETING

I’ve always dreaded the ill effects of eating too much sweets and cholesterol which includes diabetes and hypertension. With only three years to go, why worry? I will go eat that baconator and double quarter pounder meal I’ve been lusting for all this week.

CREDITCARDS

I’d max them all out, splurge and splurge and then splurge some more until I am buried neck deep in debt. Are they still going to litigate? Well, they just have to be sure it would take less than three years for them to collect, which, I don’t think they will be able to do. No they won’t. I’ll just stare them down and say:

CAREER MOVE

I’d quit my job and buy loads of beer. It’s just because I want to spend the rest of my days binging. I still have a healthy liver, it’ll last more than three years. It’s going to be like living the dream. Although, I have a bit of a concern. There’s a rumor nowadays pertaining to beer effects on the penis. It’s said that beer can cause your penis to fall off. I don’t know if this is true though.

MAKE FRIENDS

I’d find Cristine Reyes and guess what I’ll do? If you answered have hot passionate sex with her for weeks and/or until we drain our bodily fluids. Then All I can say is that you are WRONG! Yeah, I know we can’t be together because I already have a wife so we’ll just be friends. There’s nothing bad with that right?

Stop staring at her. Now, how about you? What will you do if you knew you only had three years to live?

All dogs go to heaven

My eight year old pet Miniature Pinscher, Dagul, died last January 2^nd. I loved that dog. He was there during some of the cross roads of my life and I have to admit that I was sad when he died. I miss our drinking sessions and our long walks and our very seldom play time. I miss it when he turns around and let’s me face his schlong begging me to masturbate it. Well, I don’t do that because I don’t want to spoil him. But, I have to admit that I miss his feeble attempts. Also, I will stop sharing now.

The King is DEAD

New medium

Have you ever been frustrated with yahoo messenger’s web cam option? When you can’t view a girl’s show entirely on their web cam because instead of receiving a video, you received pictured frames? How about when the video and the audio are not synchronized and you end up watching some girl dancing out of timing? Frustrating isn’t it? It’s like the load you paid isn’t worth the show you’re watching. Why not try out Google’s solution which, I know all web cam voyeurs will enjoy. Google video chat! Yeah, I know it’s not a new tech but it works really fine. I don’t know how they do it but the voice quality is crisp and very clear. The incoming video has more frames that you can actually watch someone stripping in sync with the music. It’s is so awesome! No more pixilated videos and no more static noise! Try it why don’t you?

my lovely wife

The yoyo effect

So I’m getting fat again. I mean after I wined and dined like there’s no tomorrow during the holidays, I guess there’s no surprise there. I bloated up to 214lbs. Yes. That’s 16lbs in two weeks. I mean what the hell right? My body is like a sponge. I am now doing my zero carbohydrate diet again. In two days, I’ve lost four pounds already, which is normal because the first to go is the water retention from all the salty meals I have had. I now regret eating all those Christmas hams. So wait for the return of my diet series. I am still brainstorming – with myself on what to put there. So stay tuned.

I’m getting fat again

So there you have it. These are the stuff I can’t put on Plurk because it’s too long and is also too short to make a solo blog entry. I’m still trying to fight off writer’s block s bear with me. See? I already said that in the first paragraph. I can’t even compose a decent closing paragraph.

First off, the ingenious idea of someone to have a GMA resign rally during one the busiest days of the fucking year. Give me a break, the second to the last Friday before Christmas and you want to stage a rally in the middle of the busiest place in the metro? I mean, are you guys fucking communists? Why not stage it in Tondo or in fucking Payatas? Think about it. You won’t have to haul tons of squatters to your freaking rally. They do comprise majority of your participants’ right? Also, nobody has to clean up your freaking mess after you’re done.

I’m not a pro Gloria mind you. I hate her as much as the next Juan Dela Cruz, my problem is messing with the already fucked up traffic in the metro. You’re wasting gas and energy.

Binay approved of it I’m sure. The dude thinks he’s Zorro, for someone in charge with the country’s main central business district; he should have set aside his issues rather than jeopardizing business and commerce when we all know we are in the brink of an economical crisis. How stupid can you get?

Secondly, the ingenious plan of Websapient to plagiarize the works of a TMB resident web designer, Marco Palinar. How stupid can you get? Websapient is posing as a web design company specializing web design and e-commerce development. My balls are itching and I scratch them with this stupid statement.

Marco the site guy’s site

Websapient’s Plagiarism

As of press time, Websapient has already taken down the web page. I mean how reliable is a web design company that plagiarizes other people’s works? I say it’s a front, a fly by Night Company that will take innocent customer’s money and laugh about it in school during recess. Douche bags.

So there you have it. Two assholes deserving of a cock spanking, may these douchebags get infected with gonorrhea and herpes at the same time.

Yes folks, I’ve done it. I have gone overboard and registered a domain name for my blog. Now, I know what you’re going to ask; what the fuck are you thinking? Well, right from the start, we all know that I am no writer. I write awful entries and most of the time I blabber so much that I lose my point. I also lack the skills to make comprehensible connecting statements – just like this one.

See, I’ve always wanted to write, whether it’s on a piece of paper passed to a classmate in high school talking about gossip and how the teacher’s cleavage is showing; or writing “phone sex 046434xxxx female only” on the back seat of the bus from Lawton to BF or even drawing crooked penis and balls inside a male comfort room cubicle inside the school, I have always had that fascination to properly express myself for people to see. I am transparent like that. The problem is, I never had an avenue to pour my innermost thoughts.

Come to think of it, I have never been chosen to write anything that’s relevant in any organization ever since, well, forever. For example, back in high school, my friends were like, “dude, we have to join Seton Notes because our awesome teacher is there. Also, we’re all fluent with English and we’re all intelligent and pretty.” So our group applied for any position for the student publication, it’s the mother ship you know, our one and only bastion of light and of freedom of speech and all that crap in school. Come results day everyone got in the publication. Well, except me.

College days, I tried my luck again. This time, I didn’t apply for a major paper. I mean duh? I don’t want to open old wounds like what happened in high school right? So instead of applying for a position in our school paper, I applied to our SPS newsletter service, which, usually prints out announcements and new rules and stuff. Nothing hardcore, like flash reports or exclusive interviews and what not. I was happy that I finally got accepted. It could very well be the happiest day of my college life. (Well, no it wasn’t)

Three months after I got accepted, I have submitted a total of three short articles for the newsletter. Sadly, none of my articles were printed. Also, they were organizing meetings and brainstorming sessions without me. Oh well, I have wasted all that hard word and time spent for nothing. Fun right?

But look at me now, fatter, slower and possibly dumber from all those booze, drugs and cigarettes I have taken but I’m still trying to write. Sad I know. So instead of writing for someone, I’ve chosen to write for myself. Thank you for this thing we have called the internets that I am free to write anything as bad as I want, as lame as I want and you’ll still read it because well, you’re a blog hopper or a friend or someone who wants to commit suicide, either way thank you for dropping by.

How appropriate that I’ve named this doomed blog with my name complete first name huh? http://joelavatari.com. Now everyone will know that the awful writing they’re reading is none other than Joel Avatari’s. How brilliant am I?

Also, I have another project in line, but this time I have help from those who passed the Seton Notes exam, yeah I’m still friends with them. It’s http://suptekeps.wordpress.com haven’t thought of the domain name yet. Suptekeps huh? Is that even a word? Well the story behind the name is reserved for another time because to be quite honest, I can’t remember where that name came from. It’s an acronym for something, that’s all I remember. We’re still in the beginning phases though; it’s practically just a place where we consolidate everything. We’re still conceptualizing and organizing and well, you know.

Again, another pointless blog entry. I’m good. I’m like a psychic or something.